I am pretty bad at self care.
Just to be clear, when I say self care I don’t mean taking a spa day, having some ‘me time’ and buying myself some treats. I mean the kind of self care that is taken for granted.
I mean making a bed so that I’m not sleeping an unmade mattress under an unmade duvet on unmade pillows. I mean showering more than once a week (sometimes even longer!). I mean requesting my repeat medication so that I don’t put myself through days of feeling even more emotionally unstable.
I mean cooking myself a meal, beyond putting something in a microwave, or opening bread and dip. I mean brushing my teeth before I go to bed, or moisturising my skin. I mean washing my clothes often enough to ensure that I’m not left with just a ripped pair of trousers, or a worn pair of tights.
Yes, I also mean exercising, and in my case I’ve only found one form of exercise that I enjoy – though I admit that one is more than I expected. And in more difficult times it means not causing myself harm or putting myself in danger.
And this week has been no exception. It took me the whole week to change my bed – by which I mean all of the old sheets came off on day one and I only managed to get all the new sheets on by day seven.
It’s like part of me wants to get up and do something productive or self caring, like brushing my teeth, booking a swimming slot or making a cup of tea. But a bigger part of me wants to hide under my duvet and ignore the day completely.
I manage to make it to the office three times a week, and church on a Sunday, and I can find the motivation if I’m seeing a friend, but many other things fall by the wayside. One day can go well and the next I can be curled up on the sofa in my pyjamas, seemingly unable to manage anything. And its easy for the feelings of shame to creep in, especially when it comes to hygiene, when I can’t manage what others take for granted.
Often I feel like I’m trying to relearning the basics as I try and build in routines that help and find ways in which present me can be kind to future me. So, what can we do when we, or someone close to us, is finding self care hard?
How to help those who are struggling to look after themselves:
- Remind them, with words and actions, that they are loved and that they have value;
- Hold them accountable, actively encourage them (sometimes someone telling me that I need to have a shower helps me to actually manage it), but not in a way that feels judgemental and breeds shame;
- Do nice things together, show them the care that they are not showing to themselves;
- Do acts of self-care together – perhaps you could cook a meal together, help them with some life admin, or tidy their room with them;
- Help them to get the healthcare they need, whether that’s helping them to organise a call from the GP, an appointment with the dentist, or picking up their medication when they’ve just realised they’ve run out.
- Celebrate their victories – show them that you realise how much it might take for them to manage something that you find easy or second-nature yourself
For those who also struggle with self care:
- Be open to others helping and supporting you;
- Ask others to help you, to check in and to hold you accountable;
- Keep thinking how you would care for a friend or loved one, or a child even, and show the same care to yourself;
- Make goals that are manageable and take it step by step, however small those steps are, and recognise that some days those steps are going to be harder than others;
- Take small steps (and they can be really small) as often as you can;
- I’m currently trying to build up a bedtime routine and it’s really not going very well. Some days I try to do just one of the things in the routine, like make a cup of tea, or floss, or get something ready for the morning. Some days I forget completely. Maybe one day I’ll manage every part of a bedtime routine, I’m slowly building myself there.
- Celebrate small victories;
- Find routines that are manageable and helpful for you, even if they might seem a bit odd;
- One of the most effective ways to get myself to shower and to go to the nearby shop is actually to make myself go for a swim (which you’d think would feel like a bigger task), shower at the swimming pool, and then pick up food on the way home.
- Be kind to yourself and have patience with yourself, adding guilt and shame often just makes the self care even harder;
- Know that you are dearly loved;
- If you are a Christian like me, try to prioritise spending time with God. Don’t keep condemning yourself for the times you haven’t done this. Know that, because of Jesus and what he has done, God welcomes us every time we come to him. Remember that you are made in God’s image, that you are a dearly loved child of God. Ask God to help you show yourself that same value too.
The Lilies of the Field 